Friday, July 8, 2011

My Achillie's heel

I wanted to put a disclaimer for this post.This is not my normal take on my kids or grandkids.  I wanted to vent.  Just say what I need to say and move from there. 

I found out that I will have relatives from out of the country (Peru) coming for a visit.  I am so excited. I haven't seen them since I was two.  Lets say it has been 40 years since I have seen them and sadly I do not have any recollection of them .  My uncle, on my fathers side, will be arriving with his wife and daughter. 

I am excited about planning a party.  I like to do the little details and now with a little more coin in my pocket I can really go for it.  The only bee in my bonnet is my mom.
There was a post I read from Maxabella's blog.  It was about having the house in perfect order when we expect visitors.  Why do we put up a facade, if it is not always that way? 

I tend to clean prior to family and friends for the occasional party.  I am guilty of this charade.  Now that I have any empty nest, my house is not that crazy all the time.  Though it did, when I was watching my grandchildren for two weeks straight. 

The illusions of a perfect home need to reappear.  Now why would a mid forty woman grandmother to five want to go the extra mile?  My mom!  She has a way to make me nuts without saying a word. 

My mom is a very formidable woman.  How can a woman in her mid 70's control from such a distance?  She live in New york.  It is hundreds of miles away.
They plan to only be here for one day but I know that she will be watching everything I do, say,  and wear.   Why do I still seek her approval?  Sshouldn't I already have it?  Do I think I will lose it, if I don't do, say, and wear everything I think she will approve .

I think what will drive me even more crazy is the next day.  I think what I am dreading is the phone call.  Most people will call and express to the host, they had a great time.  My mom will tell me the good, but most of time it is to critique.  If it is good, it sounds like she is surprised that I pulled it off.  I don't know how to take that sometimes. I want to say sometimes "good lord woman what will it take before you see that I am a grown woman who can and does take care of herself."

Soooo mature.  I know.

The bad, which is most of the time, why did  you do it this way?  Where was so and so?  Why did you have this? My, you have gained weight, but if you want to look like an elephant go ahead.  She used to be worse and would tell me that my husband would leave me if I kept this weight.  Her way of being supportive. 

She would respond with "I am not telling you what to do. I am just advising you.  I want to warn you that you might lose your husband, but if don't care about your looks I don't care either.

Its just that I never asked her for her advise!! I already knew what she thought.  My mom hasn't been on me about my weight for these last few years.  Now it is the gray hairs, she wishes I would dye it.

On one hand, I am looking very forward to meeting my relatives and on the other hand, I am anxious about the scrutiny I will be under.

 My husband built a bar in the family room.  It was a hit at many of our parties.  I plan to visit my bar regularly. 

Under the microscope Abbie


  1. Wow--your mom sounds like quite a character. She reminds me a little of the mom on "Everbody Loves Raymond."

    If you would like your mom to come stay with me for a week and see how messy a house can really be, maybe that will give her some perspective.

    And, I like your gray hair. I think it is beautiful and shows confidence.:)

  2. I can SO relate -- while my Mom might not be quite as critical -- she is certainly constantly over my shoulder dishing what she calls *advice*. Grrrrrr!
    It makes me feel incompetent and as though she still views me as some kid without a clue. So I have had to really let her know how it makes me feel -- and not feel bad about it.
    That need to control is her demon -- not mine -- and she is the one with the problem.

    I wish ya all the luck -- my advice is to do things your way -- because trust me -- she will get over it. My Mom has because truth be known, she needs me way more than I need her nowadays and she needs to respect me and my space!

  3. Oh dear, poor Abbie. It seems Mother's never stop being mothers. I guess you could look at it that she cares about you so much, that is why she feels the need to comment (or interfere as may be the case). Try to shake it off with a pinch of salt and just smile. As frustrating as it is, she must love you beyond words to be so interested in everything you do.
    But I do understand, I feel the need to please my Mama and I'm in my thirties, married with children. Not everyone feels this way about their mother's, but for me, I just want to respect and love her and make her proud. Good luck :o)

  4. My Mom is the same way, it's exasperating. I think I've learned to try to focus on what I know is right and important because she is unpleasable. She will not change.

    I also try to use her as an example of what I do not want to be like to my children or anyone else.

    All the negativity is so drianing. Ugh.

    Good luck with your Mom. Don't be afraid to simply cut her off with a quick closing statement like, well thanks for the input I really need to get going. ")

  5. The Mommy Therapy - It can be draining. I do try not to be like her when it comes to my children. Or if I slip, not to be so negative.

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting!!

  6. Julie - You are completely right!! She loves me and I love her right back.

    She did teach me to love my children with everything I have and to protect them fiercely.

    That is why when she says things, I just take it because I do respect her and honor her.

    She and my mother in law are the only ones I would take it from. Thank God my MIL is not like that at all. I think God knew I didn't need another like my mother!! haha

  7. Cyn -You said someting that struck a cord with me - Control. That is one thing that I share with her.
    Sometimes I would catch myself from doing certain things to my kids that my mom would have done to me. I do not want to continue the cycle.
    Very hard to let go.

  8. Grumpy Grateful Mom - She is a character! She is more like Maude and Marie. For the younger set, Maude is from the 70's. Bea Arthur was the actress.

    Goodness gracious I sound old!! haha

    What is even funnier is that my kids have said I am a mixture of her and Kitty from "that 70's show".

    With that, you can see I am trying to not be quite like my dear mom. I am opinionated and very blunt. But they absolutely know that I adore and love each and every one of them.

  9. Oh that's too bad. It should be such a happy time seeing your relatives after so many years.

    Take care and I hope the day goes great for you. Stay strong with you who are because I'm sure you are a wonderful person, just the way you are.


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